There's been a lot leading up to me starting a blog about my fight with cancer. A lot of it is boring, a lot isn't. But I feel like I should give a brief update as to how I got to where I am today.
It started by me waking up in the middle of the night in a state of sheer terror. No other thoughts, no idea why I was scared, just pure terror. Thought they were night terrors, then maybe nocturnal panic attacks.
Turns out, they were seizures. Went on anti-seizure meds that started out at 500 mg and went up to 3ooo mg. Seizures kept happening. They were the worst things I ever had felt in my life. Medicine didn't seem to be helping and I was worried I'd have to live with these the rest of my life. I was not okay with that.
Finally, I pushed my doctor enough to get him to order an MRI. Results came back abnormal; I had a brain tumor. Operation was a must as the tumor had grown to the size of a "small tomato".
Surgery happened on Friday the 13th of January. Unfortunately, I had to be awake for the entire surgery. But that may be another post for another time. The surgeon was able to remove far more of the tumor than he expected, but there was still 15% of it left in my brain.
Pathology came back that my tumor was malignant. I have brain cancer. Went through 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy (more chemo to come over the next 4 months). The doctors were amazed at my energy levels and how good my blood work looked every week.
Which brings us to today - about 2 weeks after my radiation has ended. I'm back to work part-time, about a week away from my next round of chemo and in a mental place I've never been before. Hence the blog. Writing has always helped me process, so I decided to process in a public place. Maybe it will help someone else going through cancer, or help a cancer patient's family or friends have a better understanding of what could be going on mentally with them.
I'm going to attempt to be as honest and raw and real as possible. The language may offend, but this is all about not censoring my feelings. This isn't meant for a "hoo-rah, you can beat cancer, life is just peachy" perspective. There may be days of that, but there may be days of "why even bother?"
Feel free to observe, comment, pass on, ask questions, ignore - whatever.
