They Never Warn You About the Hardest Part

Getting diagnosed with cancer is hard.  Going through treatment is hard.  Having your everyday life turned upside down is hard.  Facing the possibility of an early death is hard.  Watching your loved ones hurt for you is hard.  The doctors, the websites, the books, they all warn you about these things you're going to be facing.

But they never warn you about the hardest part.

Cancer forces you to face your shortcomings and flaws, head on and lightning fast.  Not only have things outside of your control changed, but now you have to change yourself.  It will be different for every person, but it's going to have to happen.  And it isn't easy.

I've always been a pretty independent person and that independence has only grown as I've gotten older.  I live by myself.  I pay all my own bills.  I take care of my dog.  I work a full-time job.  I'm single.  Though I adore my loved ones, I tend to only rely on them for emotional support.  Everything else, I can do for myself - I can open that pickle jar, I can kill that spider, I can give someone a tongue lashing if they're disrespecting me.  Then in strolls cancer and I can't be that independent anymore.

My mom and best friend took turns babysitting me 24 hours a day for my first week of recovering from surgery.  I couldn't drive myself around for the first month.  I couldn't lift anything heavier than a milk jug.  I couldn't walk my dog.  I couldn't go to work.  Disability was paying my bills, not me.  I hardly had enough energy to wipe my own ass, let alone open a pickle jar. I had to force myself to ask for help.  I had to change my independence.  I had to let go and let others help me so that I could heal.

I've always been a fighter.  Put an obstacle in front of me and I'll do my best to smash it to rubble.  The radiation and chemo kept me in good spirits because I was fighting, I was doing something.  Then the daily treatment stopped and I didn't know what to do with myself.  I didn't know how to just sit around and wait for 8 weeks to see if anything worked.

My optimism and strength vanished. I struggled, I broke down constantly.  There was nothing for me to do. I had to change my fight into patience.  Patience has never been a virtue for me.  With nothing to do, I got trapped in my own head often.  I had to re-train myself, teach myself to be alone and find peace.  Teach myself to quiet my mind and focus on other things.  Teach myself to stop over-thinking like I have my entire life and just accept that I've done all I can do for now.  The rest is in the hands of Science for now.

I could go on for about twenty more paragraphs about the things I've had to change, tweak or squash about myself.  But this post isn't so much about the details of my struggle as it is a hope that it can be an insight to people about some of the deeper, unseen struggles of cancer, so that when you tell someone going through cancer "you're so strong" maybe you'll have a better understanding of the strength it takes.  Anyone can take medicine, lay on a table as they shoot lasers at them or sit in a chair for hours with an IV.  But the hardest parts of cancer, most people don't have a clue about; nobody speaks about it, nobody warns you about it.

Simple Introduction

There's been a lot leading up to me starting a blog about my fight with cancer. A lot of it is boring, a lot isn't. But I feel like I should give a brief update as to how I got to where I am today.

It started by me waking up in the middle of the night in a state of sheer terror. No other thoughts, no idea why I was scared, just pure terror. Thought they were night terrors, then maybe nocturnal panic attacks.

Turns out, they were seizures. Went on anti-seizure meds that started out at 500 mg and went up to 3ooo mg. Seizures kept happening. They were the worst things I ever had felt in my life. Medicine didn't seem to be helping and I was worried I'd have to live with these the rest of my life. I was not okay with that.

Finally, I pushed my doctor enough to get him to order an MRI. Results came back abnormal; I had a brain tumor. Operation was a must as the tumor had grown to the size of a "small tomato".

Surgery happened on Friday the 13th of January. Unfortunately, I had to be awake for the entire surgery. But that may be another post for another time. The surgeon was able to remove far more of the tumor than he expected, but there was still 15% of it left in my brain.

Pathology came back that my tumor was malignant. I have brain cancer. Went through 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy (more chemo to come over the next 4 months). The doctors were amazed at my energy levels and how good my blood work looked every week.

Which brings us to today - about 2 weeks after my radiation has ended. I'm back to work part-time, about a week away from my next round of chemo and in a mental place I've never been before. Hence the blog. Writing has always helped me process, so I decided to process in a public place. Maybe it will help someone else going through cancer, or help a cancer patient's family or friends have a better understanding of what could be going on mentally with them.

I'm going to attempt to be as honest and raw and real as possible. The language may offend, but this is all about not censoring my feelings. This isn't meant for a "hoo-rah, you can beat cancer, life is just peachy" perspective. There may be days of that, but there may be days of "why even bother?"

Feel free to observe, comment, pass on, ask questions, ignore - whatever.